I’m going to share a piece written by the spouse of a, in her words “one of the 22”.
I am sharing my story with you because for every action, there is a re-action, like ripples on a pond, your pain is so intense all you can think of is ending the pain. Nothing else is on your mind. Please read and think long and hard, we need to stop the stigma of PTSD and mental illness. We need to bring awareness to every one nation wide. This is my story, my life, my living hell.
I lost my husband 11-9-13, his ex took off with his girls before I could even have the funeral, the military paid for his funeral thank the good Lord, but they lost the last 6 years of his records, so all benefits and insurance went to his ex.
I have had to sell everything we ever owned, we rented so I don’t have a house, the only things I have left, that we got together is a car, a bed, and a broken lawn mower. I moved to NC to marry my husband, all of my family lives in Ohio my kids are 27 & 25, his girls are now 11 & 10, I havent seen or heard from his girls in 2 years. After my husbands death I chose to stay in NC and have his father help me write letters and make calls trying to find my husbands lost military records, as his father had retired from the military. He had changed his paperwork twice since he started his divorce.
I could not eat, I dropped to 79 lbs.
In the mean time, my kids are pissed that I did not move back to Ohio, so now they are not speaking to me.
My in laws started feeding giant ice cream protein shakes, it was all I could keep down, by this time I am in psychotherapy and seeing a psychiatrist and on a butt load of meds. I am now on ss disability, I have no insurance, my husbands family has all gone their seperate ways and now they don’t want me in NC anymore, I’m a trigger for them. I have 4 dogs that have been my saving grace through all of this but it is not easy to find some one that will rent to me with 4 dogs. My landlord doesn’t mind because his storage lot is next door and the dogs let me know if someone is over there.
So, I have lost his family, I have lost my family, I don’t really have a home, since I lost my insurance I cant afford my bills, it is either get my meds or pay my bills, I have emptied out my 401k, maxed out all my credit cards, my health has gone down the pooper, I’ve lost my sanity, my PTSD and other mental issues are bad enough that docs will not let me work. I’m now afraid to leave the house, all the friends I had here, were my husbands friends and they all blame me for his death.
I have the guilt of losing my husband, my one true love, my soulmate, I’ve lost my family, my credit is now shot, I have no security, even if I did move back to Ohio who is going to rent to me with 4 dogs, I have no friends, I have no life, I just exist, I’m not living life. Still fighting the military after almost 2 years, I have NO support what so ever except for the Facebook friends and groups I am in. I am doing everything I can to raise awareness for the 22, people do not know about it, or want to talk about it. It’s the stigma and I’m trying to prevent it.
I refuse to let them be forgotten!!
September is suicide prevention month, although every day is suicide prevention day. We will never stop 18, or 22, or 23 veteran suicides a day – but we CAN stop the NEXT one… and the next. Remember that committing suicide doesn’t end the pain, it transfers it to someone else – maybe someones else, and generations down the line feel the effects like the tsunami from an earthquake. There is always hope in tomorrow, even if it’s not visible right now.